It’s hard to believe it was ten years ago already … ten years ago when I was nothing but a wet-behind-the-ears, wide-eyed young ne’er do well, trolling the docks of Hollywood for fame or, barring that, work.
That’s when I was suddenly and rudely gang-pressed into service on the H.M.S. Herbivore, a grubby trawler en route to secret coordinates deep in the Pacific. I was a knave among a diverse and salty crew comprised of sailors, artisans, confectioners, chefs, pirates, scientists and ex-vacuum cleaner salesmen.
There was no good reason to expect much of anything from this motley gang of fools. And yet, somewhere out there, among the wild eddies and peculiar swirls that lurk in the ocean’s furthest reaches, a minor miracle happened; a discovery that would change more than just our lives, but the lives of millions around the world, forever.
Our Captain – let’s call him “Steve” – was a brave and capable seaman with a piercing gaze and steady hand at the wheel. Steve knew the route to our destination like the back of his hand, in no small part because that’s where he’d drawn the map – on the back of his hand.
It was for this reason that his hand could not be washed and was thus quite stinky by the time we arrived. When at last we dropped anchor where the “X” marks the spot, a spot that to this day remains a closely guarded secret, we found a treasure greater than gold and jewels or any kind of earthly riches (though at first, I’ll confess, we were all kind of disappointed not to have earthly riches.) We had to dive deep to get to it, but oh, how we got to it.
There beneath the waves, on the ocean floor, we found a place thought to exist only in tall tales of the high seas; a city as lost as Atlantis, but with lots more free parking. There it was, before our dumbstruck eyes: Bikini Bottom.
Now it’s true, there are many cities, towns and villages under the sea. Everyone knows that. But it was obvious to all of us, even the vacuum cleaner salesmen, that this was no ordinary undersea city.
No, sir. Bikini Bottom was special. Where else in the entire ocean could an explorer find a sea star, an octopus and a sponge living side by side? Or a squirrel – a squirrel! – living underwater? Or a greedy crab with a teenage whale daughter? Their stories, and in particular the wild tales pertaining to that spongy yellow fellow, were stories that needed to be told. Surely land mammals everywhere stood to learn a lot from these teachers in the deep.
But we knew that to tell their stories properly, these deep-sea denizens could never know about us, never realize they were being observed. We had to go to great lengths to keep our presence unnoticed. Thus far, we have succeeded in keeping ourselves a secret. If they have noticed us, then we haven’t noticed they noticed. And that in itself is worth noticing. Thanks to our stealthy ways, we have been able to observe the true-to-life stories of
SpongeBob SquarePants, fry cook and complicated simpleton; Patrick Star, loyal friend and brain-free neighbor; Squidward Tentacles, grumpy octopus with terrible work ethic; Mr. Krabs, the greediest restaurateur in all the seven seas; and Sandy Cheeks, a land mammal in the sea and, apparently,
an employee of NASA (though they refuse to confirm or deny this.) Of course there are many others too, whose strange lives we have endeavored to relay to you with the utmost fidelity. There are even some creatures there whose stories have yet to be told. With a little luck, our salty crew can bring you their tales in the next ten years. As long as we all maintain our oath to keep the location of Bikini Bottom a secret, and never disclose that it’s a left turn past Hawaii and then you … oops, that was a close one!
Let’s just say that Bikini Bottom is a place in all of our hearts. It’s safer that way. And besides, it’s not like you’re gonna get a hold of a map to it. Ol’ Captain Steve washed his hands a long time ago!
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